Reading Progress:

On Black Love: Why I deleted the apps

by Shani Akilah

In a post-covid world, dating apps are widely regarded as the main avenue for single people to find romantic partners. Everyone, it seems, is on the apps —  but I hate them. The identical profiles, continuous swiping and cringy chat-up lines have turned dating into another to-do on my never-ending list.

Those who follow me on social media know that during my late 20s, I was in my ‘serial bridesmaid’ era. Within the span of a short 15 months, I was a bridesmaid six times over for some of my closest friends — an experience that provided inspiration for my story “Good Goodbye” (in which bridesmaid Gabby runs into her ex-boyfriend Jonathan at a wedding). While being surrounded by all things Black love was beautiful, it also made my singleness — not yet married, engaged or anywhere close — stand out.

I found myself wrestling with a number of uncomfortable emotions reserved for those not yet ‘baed up’ in their friendship groups: FOMO, regret and at times, resentment. My friends and I have been through all the major milestones together: doing our GCSEs, then our A-levels, going to university and graduating. And, despite all pursuing different careers, we all stepped onto our paths at the same time — together. The back-to-back gigs as a serial bridesmaid with no plus one brought to the fore the reality that this was a milestone I wasn’t, and couldn’t be, a part of.

Enter the dating apps. I found myself on Hinge, Bumble and Salt all throughout lockdown. In a post-covid world, dating apps are even more prevalent and widely regarded as the main avenue for single people to find romantic partners. Everyone, it seemed, was on the apps — but I hated them. The identical profiles, continuous swiping and cringy chat-up lines became tedious, turning dating into just another to-do on my never-ending list. I value building friendships before diving into romantic connections, and so I found the experience challenging.

Successful Black women face difficulties in finding compatible Black male partners. I’m a Christian so being with a man who loves Jesus is the most important thing to me. For many, being with a partner who doesn’t have the AS sickle cell trait is a deal breaker. Throw into the mix things like being on the same page politically and ethically, the gene pool of eligible Black men becomes even smaller. It’s a struggle and to put it simply, I was fed up.

At the beginning of the year, my friend introduced me to the podcast I never knew I needed. A Single Serving hosted by Shani Silver is all about changing the narrative around singleness. I binged all her episodes and the standout was Shani on the Turning 30 podcast with Emma Wilson, discussing “Turning 30 and Single Shaming”. She made a statement that deeply resonated with me: “You don’t need to use dating apps if they make you feel frustrated, sad, angry or offended. We are allowed to move away from the struggle of dating apps and meet someone anyway.” It was simple yet groundbreaking and liberating to be reminded that people continue to meet their romantic partners every day outside of the apps.

In For Such a Time as This, which is inspired by the stories of my friends and family, characters meet their significant others at weddings, BBQs, work, writing classes, game nights and even on the train. My favourite meet-cute is between Mima and Tafari, two lovers of music who have a special encounter in the canteen at work. Whenever I’m feeling discouraged, I remind myself of the fact that I’ve met some of my closest friends in the most random of places — at academic conferences, on solo holidays, on Twitter.

On the cusp of turning thirty and entering my fourth decade, I made the decision to delete all of my dating apps. I made the decision to focus on the things that feel like sunshine and walking in my purpose, with the hope that God or the universe, fate or whatever it is to you, will lead me to where I am in love. I started making a deliberate effort to challenge certain societal norms, particularly the expectation to marry by thirty and the idea that being single is somehow bad, that partnered individuals are inherently superior to those who are single.

I leaned into the things that spark my joy like travelling, going to open mic nights and the theatre, and connecting with people organically on social media. I’ve taken up new hobbies like skating, which has opened up my world to a welcoming community of vibrant people. I have continued to meet guys and go on dates, all without being on the apps. A few months ago, my roster went from 0 to 4 in 24 hours! Your life really can change in an instant.

At weddings now, I remind myself that it’s a true miracle to meet someone you’re attracted to, deeply in love with, and want to share your life with. All it takes is one moment, one connection, to transform everything. As declared by Jada’s friends in my story “Summer”, “my future is bright, orange.”

By Shani Akilah

SHANI AKILAH is a Black-British Caribbean writer and screenwriter from South London. She is a book influencer, co-founder of the Nyah Network, a book club for Black women, and was a literary judge for the Nota Bene Prize 2023. Shani has a Masters degree in African Studies from Oxford University.

On Black Love: Why I deleted the appsFor a Time Such as This by Shani Akilah
Published by One World on 20 June 2024
Genres: Coming-of-age, Short stories
Pages: 224

Meet Niah and her friends. They’re young, they’re smart, they’re part of a tight friendship group determined to make the most of every day. And their lives are about to change forever. From the tingling excitement of a new relationship to the challenges of online dating, from the shadow of racism in the workplace to the isolation of covid-19, the stories in this collection burst with romance and friendship. This stunning new collection is a powerful snapshot of the relationships – and moments – that make us who we are.

RELATED

MORE LIKE THIS